How to briefly express your sincere condolences in your own words. Farewell verses to sister

Life does not stand still ... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone died in their relatives and friends, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person, to express their condolences and sympathy to him. Condolences- this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude to the feelings, misfortune of another, expressed in words - in oral or written form - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave, so as not to offend, not hurt, not cause even more suffering?

The word co-sickness speaks for itself. To put it simply, this is not so much a ritual as “ with local disease". Don't let this surprise you. Indeed, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful condition of a person, and it is well known that "shared grief is half grief." Condolence usually goes along with empathy ( Co-feeling - feeling together, common feeling) From this it is clear that condolence is the sharing of grief with a person, an attempt to take on some of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolence is not only words, presence next to the grieving person, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who, for whatever reason, cannot express it directly, expresses his sympathy in writing.

It is also part of business ethics to offer condolences on various occasions. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, firms. Condolences are also used in the diplomatic protocol, when it is expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Oral condolences to the grieving person

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Oral condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, colleagues to those who were closer to the deceased by family, friendship and other ties. Oral condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral, commemoration).

The first and most important condition for expressing oral condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, behind which there is no work of the soul and sincere sympathy. Otherwise, condolence turns into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but also causes him in many cases additional pain. Unfortunately, in our time this is not a rare case. I must say that people in grief subtly feel a lie that at other times they will not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to speak empty and deceitful words, in which there is no warmth.

How to express verbal condolences:

To express condolences, consider the following:

Do not be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings to the grieving person and in expressing warm words to the deceased.
Remember, condolences often go beyond words. If you cannot find suitable words, condolences can be expressed by what your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is sufficient. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) to shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. Condolences who are not in close relations with the family of the deceased or knew little of him during his lifetime can do the same. It is enough for them to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
It is very important when expressing condolences not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to support these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Compassionate people at all times understood that their words without deeds could turn out to be dead, formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the household and the organization of a funeral, this is also feasible material assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many different other types of assistance. Deeds will not only support your words, but also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolence, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.

Find the right words to express condolences

Finding the correct, sincere, accurate words of condolence that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to pick them up? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolence, prayed. This is very important, because it is so difficult to find the kind words necessary in this situation. And prayer calms us down, draws our attention to God, Whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of consolation to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can later say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but it will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will bring condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary in prayer to forgive those at whom you are offended, and then the necessary words will come by themselves.

Before you say words of consolation to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolence to come, it would be good to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After that, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolence.

Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how the person (or people) to whom you are going to express condolences feel now.

Think about their experiences, the degree of their loss, their inner state at the moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, then the necessary words will come by themselves. You just have to say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolences is addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should not in any way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of this person or people.

Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of oral condolences

Here are some examples of oral condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use only ready-made stamps, because the person to whom you bring condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you.
Let it be a consolation for us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget…
It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
I'm sorry, my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would gladly help you ...
Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, you have to experience this. He was a bright person whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me any minute.
This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together
Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy were my arguments and quarrels with this bright and dear man. Forgive me! I grieve with you.
This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
It is difficult to express in words how much he did me good. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

I would like to emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without bombast, pretentiousness, and theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who try to somehow support the bereaved, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCE for PEOPLE EXPERIENCING THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of mourning, which usually begins from the first day and can end on 9-40 days of loss (if mourning proceeds normally). ALL TIPS IN THIS ARTICLE ARE GIVEN WITH A CALCULATION EXACTLY ON SUCH LIGHTING.

As we said, the most important thing is that the condolences are not formal. We must try not to say (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that empty, banal, senseless and tactless phrases do not sound when expressing condolences. It is important to note that in trying to comfort a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made that not only do not comfort, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person experiences, perceives and feels everything differently in the shock stage of grief. That is why it is better not to make mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of common phrases that, according to experts, are not recommended to speak when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:

Can't be "consoled" by the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(If a child died)," You are beautiful, then still get married"(If the husband died), etc. Is a completely tactless statement for the grieving person. He has not yet mourned, has not experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he still cannot see the future that he is being told about. Therefore, such "consolation" from a person who may think that he thus gives hope to a grieving person is actually tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry, everything will pass "- people who pronounce such words of" sympathy "give completely wrong attitudes to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions, to hide pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or assert) to think that crying is bad. This can be extremely difficult to affect both the psycho-emotional, somatic state of the bereaved, and the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don't cry, you need to cry less,” say those people who do not understand the feelings of the bereaved. This is most often because the “sympathizers” themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they give such advice in an attempt to escape from this trauma.

Naturally, if a person cries constantly for more than a year, then this is already a reason for contacting a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Do not worry, everything will be fine"- another rather empty statement, which the condolent presents himself as optimistic and even as giving hope to the bereaved. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement in a completely different way. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, it is not very important for him what will happen next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a dear person. And for this reason, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help.

« Bad of course, but time heals"- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who utters it can understand. God, prayer, good deeds, deeds of mercy and charity can heal the soul, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt, get used to it. In any case, it makes no sense to say this to the grieving person when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing a loss, does not make plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be so now. That is why such a phrase causes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Here is a metaphor: for example, a child has been hit hard, is in great pain, cries, and they say to him, "It's bad that you hit, but let it comfort you that it will heal before the wedding." Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

When expressing condolences, it is impossible to say wishes to the bereaved, which are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to return to work as soon as possible,” “I hope that you will soon recover your health,” “I wish you to recover faster after such a tragedy,” etc. First, these wishes, which are forward-looking, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given as such. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which, in a state of acute grief, a person still does not see. This means that these phrases will, at best, disappear into emptiness. But it is possible that the grieving person will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply cannot physically do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions on the part of the grieving person.

You cannot find positive elements in the tragedy and devalue the loss

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss - often does not console the grieving person either. The bitterness of loss from this does not diminish, the person perceives what happened as a catastrophe

“He’s better this way. He was sick and exhausted "- Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression from the person who is experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases it can provoke a grieving person to resent the departed - "You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad." Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grieving can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.

Often, when expressing condolences, the following statements are also heard: “It's good at least the mother was not hurt”, “It's hard, but you still have children.” They, too, should not be told to the grieving person. The arguments that are made in such statements, too, are not able to reduce a person's pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could be worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot console him. The mother will not replace the deceased father, and the second child cannot replace the first.

Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by the fact that his house burned down, but the car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in the most terrible form.

"Hold on, because others are even worse than you"(it can be even worse, you are not the only one, how much evil is around - many suffer, here you have a husband, and their children have died, etc.) - this is also a fairly common case in which a condolent tries to compare the grieving person with the one, “ who is even worse. " At the same time, he expects that the grieving person from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the worst, which can be even more difficult, and thus the pain of the loss will decrease.

This is not a valid move. You cannot compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of others. Firstly, for a normal person, if everyone around is bad, then this does not improve, but on the contrary worsens the person's condition. Second, a grieving person cannot compare himself to others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to be harmful than beneficial.

You can't look for the "extreme"

When expressing condolences, one cannot speak and mention that death could have been prevented in any way. For example, “Eh, if we sent him to the doctor”, “why did we not pay attention to the symptoms”, “if you hadn’t left, then perhaps it wouldn’t have happened”, “if you had listened then”, “if we wouldn’t let him go ”and so on.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause an additional feeling of guilt in a person who is already very worried, which will then have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find the “culprit” or “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom we offer condolences “guilty”.

Another attempt to find an “extreme”, and not to express sympathy, are completely inappropriate statements when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished”, “this driver should be killed (brought to justice)”, “these terrible doctors should be tried. " These statements (rightly or unjustly) place the blame on someone else, are a condemnation of another. But the appointment of the guilty person, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, in no way can alleviate the pain of loss. The punishment of the one guilty of death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements lead the grieving person into a state of strong aggression against the dear person responsible for the death. But grief specialists know that a grieving person can turn aggression against a guilty person at any moment on himself, than make himself worse. So you shouldn't utter such phrases, kindling the fire of hatred, condemnation, aggression. It is better to talk only about sympathy for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

"God gave - God took"- another often used "consolation", which in fact does not console at all, but simply shifts the "blame" for the death of a person onto God. It must be understood that a person in an acute stage of grief is least of all concerned about the question of who took a person out of his life. Suffering in this acute phase will not become easier because it was taken by God and not by another. But the most dangerous thing is that by proposing in this way to shift the blame onto God, you can cause aggression in a person, not good feelings for God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, and the soul of the deceased, is precisely the appeal to God in prayer. And it is obvious that in this way additional difficulties arise for this, if you consider God to be “guilty”. Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in God's hands”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God's providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, the mention of this can really be a consolation.

“It happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not comfort, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a feeling of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses "condolence" in this way puts himself in the role of a judge, who not only knows the reason, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, linking certain reasons with the effect. This characterizes the condolent as ill-mannered, thinking a lot of himself, stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, in spite of what a person has done in his life, only God alone has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that "consolation" by condemnation, assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless "condolences", it is necessary to remember the well-known rule "About the dead, either it is good or nothing."

Other common mistakes when expressing condolences

Often they say condolences the phrase "I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you" This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of the other, it is not true. Even if you have had similar situations and you think that you have experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand the physical pain of another, except for the one who is experiencing it. And everyone's soul hurts especially too. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the bereaved, even if you have experienced it. You don't have to compare feelings. You cannot feel the same as him. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. Better to limit yourself to the words "I can only guess how bad you are", "I see how you grieve"

It is strongly discouraged to be tactlessly interested in details when expressing sympathy. "How did this happen?" “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before he died?” This is no longer an expression of condolence, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not hurt him (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).

It happens that with condolences, people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the grief to the grieving person more easily - “You know that I feel bad too,” “When my mother died, I also almost went crazy "," I, too, like you. I feel very bad, my father died too, ”and so on. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and the desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your grief is not worth it. Thus, there can be an increase in grief and pain, mutual induction, which not only does not improve, it can also worsen the condition. As we have already said, it is a weak consolation for a person that others are also bad.

Condolences are often expressed in phrases that are more like appeals - “ You have to live for the sake of "," You must endure "," You must not "," You need to, you need to do "... Such addresses, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to debt for a person who is in acute grief are often ineffective and usually cause confusion and irritation in him. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of emotions, and he is also obliged to something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that it is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, to convey this idea, when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express empathy in verse. This gives condolences pomp, insincerity and pretense, and at the same time does not contribute to the achievement of the main goal - the expression of sympathy, the sharing of grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolence a touch of theatricality and play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not clothed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Renowned grieving psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also gives the following recommendations of what should NOT be done when dealing with a person who is experiencing acute grief

The grieving person's refusal to speak or offered help should not be interpreted as a personal attack on you or against your relationship with him. It must be understood that the grieving person at this stage may not always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, be in a state of feelings that are very difficult to assess for another person. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from the refusals of such a person. Be merciful to him. Wait for it to bounce back.

You cannot distance yourself from a person, depriving him of your support, ignore him. The grieving person may perceive this as your unwillingness to communicate, as rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are afraid, if you are afraid to impose, if you are modest, then consider these features of the grieving person. Do not ignore him, but go and explain to him.

You cannot be intimidated by intense emotions and leave the situation. Often, sympathetic people are frightened by the strong emotions of those who are grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. Despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. It may also be misunderstood by them.

Do not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who is experiencing acute grief is at the mercy of strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will have no result. This is because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, then it will be like talking in different languages.

You can not use force (squeeze in an embrace, grab hands). Sometimes the condolences involved in grief can lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the bereaved. Strong expressions of emotion, hugging.

Condolences: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that “often not only relatives and close friends, who usually participate in funerals and commemorations, but also comrades and simply distant acquaintances are notified of the death of a loved one. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or pay a visit to the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in the funeral ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If the mourning message is sent in writing, then the person who received it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family in order to express condolences personally, to be with the mourners, offer help, and console.

But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Traditionally, a condolence visit should be paid within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes they just put on a dark coat over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. During a visit of condolences, it is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death, tactlessly talk on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or discussing business problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for another reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot pay a personal visit for any reason, then a written condolence, telegram, email or SMS message should be sent. "

Written expression of condolence

How condolences were expressed in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's dwell on this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, a candidate for the topic "Worldview Aspects of Life" writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility, one can find samples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolence (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of announcement, love, instructive, imperative. The letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, the conduct of correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences, letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to the events associated with the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the situation of others, to understand and take to heart their grief and joy was one of the best traits in the character of the king. It is necessary to read his consoling letters to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son's escape abroad - you need to read these sincere letters in order to see to what height of delicacy and moral sensitivity even an unstable person could raise this ability to be imbued with someone else's grief. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then a voivode in Kazan, died of fever almost in front of the tsar's eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, by the way, wrote: “And you, our boyar, would not grieve over the measure, but you must not, so as not to grieve and not cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God do not anger. " The author of the letter did not confine himself to a detailed account of the unexpected death and the abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist, he also added: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Do not grieve, but trust in God and be reliable in us. "(Klyuchevsky V.O. Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of the everyday life of the nobility. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means of not only transmitting information, but also expressing feelings, emotions, assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. The letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on the speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality, the emotional state of the writer. Correspondence allows one to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and way of life, the circle of communication and interests of the writer, the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group - letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. Unlike later letters, the messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the event of death, than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually consolation letters. They were often the answer to the letter of notice. But even if the bereaved did not send a letter of notice about the death of his relative, the letter of consolation was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of commemorating the deceased.
The third group consisted of written responses to consolation letters, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious beliefs, faded into the background in secular society. The topic of death has become somewhat taboo. At the same time, the culture of condolence and sympathy was lost; a void has formed in this sphere. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Consolation letters became formal etiquette, but they did not completely leave the communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, to help those who write on a difficult topic, the so-called "Writers" began to be published. These were guidelines for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write, arrange a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, samples of letters, phrases and expressions were given as applied to various life situations, including deaths, expressions of condolences. “Consolation Letters” is one of the sections of the writers who gave advice on how to support the bereaved, to express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the bereaved, to console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a consolation letter necessarily required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of a recommendation for writing consolation letters in one of the 18th century writers, The General Secretary, or the New Full Writer. (Printing house of A. Reshetnikov, 1793)
Consolation letters “In this kind of letters, the heart should be touched and say one thing, without the help of reason. … You can dismiss yourself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no praiseworthy habit of how to comfort each other in sorrow. Fate only inflicts misfortunes on us, that we would have acted inhumanly if we had not given such reliefs to one another. When the person to whom we are writing surrenders to her sorrow with excess, then instead of suddenly holding back the first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters, you can use the features of moralizing and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and state of the writer, to whom they are writing. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice more than grieve about someone's death, it is better to leave such vivid representations. I confess that it is not allowed to adapt to the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank manner: decency forbids this; prudence requires in such cases both to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, it is possible to speak more at length about the disasters that are not shared with the human condition. Generally speaking: what kind of misfortunes does not each of us undergo in this life? The lack of property makes you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more ordinary than to see the tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend. "

And this is how the samples of consolation letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My sovereign! Not to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor to write this letter to you, for your sorrow is very correct, but to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or better to say, to mourn with you together the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless benefits. Consider, sovereign, if I have reason to regret him and join my tears to your tears of our common sorrow. Nothing can comfort my sorrow, except complete obedience to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the blessedness of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you will be my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, nevertheless one must be comforted by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to his low-temporal pleasure here. Honor him as an eternal content in your memory, imagining his dignity and the love he had for you in his life. Rejoice yourself with the education of your children, in whom you see him revived. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I am crying for him with you, and all honest people communicate their pity with yours, between whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he never remembers them. will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"

The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitudes towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today, we can still observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, condolences translate the topic of death into the category of undesirable, uncomfortable aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a genuine need for empathy. Probably for this reason, the "writers" exist now, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, in what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed either. They are still called "scribes."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

On the death of a spouse

Expensive …

We deeply mourn death…. She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. We remember how she once…. She also involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better. ... was a model of compassion and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

About the death of a parent

Expensive …

… Even though I have never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his thriftiness, love of life and how anxiously he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him too. I think many will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very happy if you could share your memories of your dad. I think about you and your family.

About the death of a child

... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it's hard to imagine if there are such words at all. The loss of a child is the worst grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We pray for you.

On the death of a colleague

Example 1. I was deeply saddened by the news of (name )’s death and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep regret for his / her passing.

Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned of the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who has faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences on the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings about the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday about the death of Mr. ...

Example 5. It was a great shock for us to hear about the sudden death of Mr. ...

Example 6. It is difficult for us to believe the sad news of the death of Mr. ...

Mourning words of mourning for the deceased

Condolences are mourning words of sorrow who express sympathy for death. Sincere condolences provide for the format of a personal, personal appeal - oral or text.

Within or in public, condolences are also appropriate, but should be expressed briefly... In an expression of sympathy from a believer, you can add: "We pray for ___"... More information about the rules of condolences - on the website "Epitaphia.ru".

Etiquette condolences from muslims is distinguished by a fatal attitude towards death and acceptance of loss, as well as clear requirements for rituals, clothing, behavior, symbols, gestures.

Examples of condolences

Universal short words of sorrow

In the case when the words of condolence are pronounced after the burial or on the day of the funeral, you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: "Let the earth rest in peace!" If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then this phrase is convenient to complete the words of condolences, for example “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be of service. Count on me! "

I am shocked by this sad news. It's hard to accept. I share your pain of loss ...
My heart is broken by yesterday's news. I worry with you and remember ___ with the warmest words! It's hard to accept the loss of ___! Everlasting memory!
The news of death ___ is a terrible blow! It hurts even to think that we will not see him / her again. Please accept our condolences with your husband for your loss!
Until now, the news of ___'s death seems like a ridiculous mistake! It is impossible to realize this! Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss!
My condolences! It hurts even to think about it, it's hard to talk about it. I sympathize with your pain! Everlasting memory ___!
It is difficult to express in words how we ___ empathize with your loss of ___! Golden man, what a few! We will always remember about him (her)!
“This is an incredible, catastrophic loss. The loss of a real person, an idol, an exemplary family man and a citizen of his country "(about Ilya Segalovich). .
We empathize with your loss! The news of ___ death amazed our entire family. We remember and remember ___ as a worthy person. Please accept our sincere condolences!
Weak consolation, but know that we are next to you in grief of loss ___ and sincerely empathize with your whole family! Everlasting memory!
“Words cannot convey all the pain and sorrow. Like a bad dream. Eternal rest to your soul, our dear and beloved Jeanne "!(Grave and)
Incomprehensible loss! We all grieve the loss of ___, but of course it is even harder for you! We sincerely condole and we will remember all our life! We would like to provide any help that is needed at this moment. Count on us!
It's sad ... I respect and remember ___ and sincerely condole with your loss! The least that I can do today is help with something. At least I have four empty seats in my car.

Condolences on the death of mom, grandmother

I was stunned by this terrible news. For me, ___ is a hospitable hostess, a kind woman, but for you ... The loss of your mother ... I sympathize with you so much and cry with you!
We are very ... very sad, beyond words! It is hard when you lose loved ones, but the death of your mother is grief, against which there is no medicine. Please accept my sincere condolences to the loss!
___ was a model of delicacy and tact. Her memory will be as endless as her kindness to all of us. Mom's departure is an incomparable grief. Please accept my deepest condolences!
Woe, incomparable! And I have no words to ease your pain. But I know that she would not like to see your despair. Be strong! Tell me, what could I take on these days?
We are happy that we knew ___. Her kind disposition and generosity amazed all of us, and this is how she will be remembered! It is difficult to express our sorrow in words - it is too great. Let the kindest memories and the fond memory of her become at least a little consolation!
The news of ___ leaving came as a shock to us. We can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. At such moments we feel abandoned, but remember that you have friends who loved and appreciated your mother. Count on our help!
Words cannot heal a terrible wound in the heart. But the bright memories of ___, how honestly and with dignity she lived her life, will always be stronger than death. In the blessed memory of her, we are always with you!
They say they love grandchildren even more than their children. We fully felt this love of our grandmother. This love will warm us all our lives, and we will pass on some of its warmth to our children and grandchildren ...
Losing loved ones is very difficult ... And the loss of a mother is the loss of a part of herself ... Mom will always be missed, but let her memory and mother's warmth be with you always!
Words cannot heal this wound of loss. But the bright memory of ___, who honestly and with dignity lived her life, will be stronger than death. We are with you in the eternal memory of her!
Her whole life was spent in countless labors and worries. Such a heartfelt and sincere woman, we will remember her forever!
Without parents, without a mother, there is no one between us and the grave. May wisdom and perseverance help you get through these most difficult days. Hold on!
With ___ gone is the pattern of virtue! But she will remain a guiding star for all of us who remember, love and honor her.
It is ___ that you can dedicate kind words: "She whose actions and deeds came from the soul, from the heart." May the earth rest in peace to her!
The life she lived has a name: "Virtue." ___ is the source of life, faith and love for loving children and grandchildren. The Kingdom of heaven!
How much we didn’t tell her during our lifetime!
Please accept my sincere condolences! What a man! ___, as she lived modestly and quietly, she left meekly, as if the candle had gone out.
___ involved us in good deeds, and thanks to her we became better. For us, ___ will forever remain a model of mercy and tact. We are happy that we knew her.
Your mother was an intelligent and bright person ... Many, like me, will feel that the world has become poorer without her.

Condolences on the death of husband, father, grandfather

We are deeply saddened by the news of your father's death. He was a just and strong man, a loyal and sensitive friend. We knew him well and loved him as a brother.
Our family grieves with you. The loss of such a reliable support in life is irreparable. But remember that we will be honored to help you whenever you need it.
My condolences, ___! The death of a beloved husband is a loss of oneself. Hold on, these are the toughest days! We grieve together with your grief, we are near ...
Today everyone who knew ___ grieves with you. This tragedy does not leave anyone close to indifferent. I will never forget my friend, and I consider it my duty to ___ to support you on any occasion, if you contact me.
I am so sorry that ___ and I had disagreements at one time. But I have always appreciated and respected him as a person. I apologize for the moments of pride and offer you my help. Today and forever.
Thanks to your statements about his [qualities or good deeds], it seems to me that I have always known him. My condolences to you about the death of such a loved one and such a soul close to you! Rest in peace…
I am sincerely sorry for the loss of your dad. This is a very sad and sad time for you. But good memories are what will help you to cope with this loss. Your father lived a long and vibrant life and achieved success and respect in it. We join the words of grief of friends and memories of ___.
Sincerely condolences to you ... What a person, what a scale of personality! He deserves more words than can be said now. In memories of ___ - he is both our teacher of justice and mentor in life. Eternal memory to him!
Without a father, without parents, there is no one between us and the grave. But ___ set an example of courage, fortitude and wisdom. And I'm sure he wouldn't want you to grieve so much right now. Be strong! I sincerely condole with you.
Your shock from the onset of loneliness is a heavy shock. But you have the strength to overcome the grief and continue what he did not have time to. We are near, and we will help you in everything - contact us! It is our duty to remember ___!
We grieve with you at this difficult moment! ___ - the kindest person, without silversmith, he lived for his neighbors. We empathize with your loss and together with you in the kindest and brightest memories of your husband.
We condole on your loss! We sympathize - the loss is irreparable! Intelligence, iron will, honesty and justice ... - we were lucky to work with such a friend and colleague! How many things we would like to ask him for forgiveness, but too late ... Eternal memory to a mighty man!
Mom, we grieve and cry with you! Our sincere gratitude from our children and grandchildren and warm memories of our good father and kind grandfather! Our memory of ___ will be eternal!
Blessed are those whose memory will be as bright as ___. We will remember and love him forever. Be strong! ___ it would be easier if he knew you could handle it all.
My condolences! Recognition, respect, honor, and… eternal memory!
They say about such broad-minded people: “How much of ours has gone with you! How much of yours is left with us! We will remember ___ forever and pray for him!

Condolences on the death of a friend, brother, sister, lover or beloved

Accept my condolences! There was no dearer and closer to him, and probably never will be. But in yours and in our hearts, he will remain a young, strong, full of life man. Everlasting memory! Hold on!
It is difficult to find the right words in this difficult moment. I grieve with you! It will be a small consolation that not everyone had a chance to experience such love as yours. But let ___ remain alive in your memory, full of strength and love! Everlasting memory!
There is such a wisdom: “It is bad if there is no one to take care of you. It’s even worse if you don’t care about anyone. ” I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be so sad. Let's ask his mom what she can do to help her now.
My condolences to you! In life, hand in hand, but this bitter loss went to you. It is necessary, necessary to find the strength to survive these most difficult moments and difficult days. In our memory, he will remain ___.
It is very bitter to lose your loved ones and relatives, but it is doubly bitter when young, beautiful and strong leave us. God rest his soul!
I would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it's hard to imagine if there are such words on earth at all. Bright and eternal memory!
I grieve with you at this difficult moment. It's scary to even imagine that half of you left. But for the sake of children, for the sake of loved ones, you need to go through these mournful days. Invisibly, he will always be there - in the soul and in our eternal memory of this bright man.
Love will not die, and the memory of it will always illuminate our hearts!
… this too shall pass …
For all of us, he will remain an example of love for life. And may his love of life illuminate your emptiness and grief of loss and help you get through the time of goodbye. We grieve with you in difficult times and we will remember ___ forever!
The past cannot be returned, but the bright memory of this love will remain with you for life. Be strong!
Be strong! With the loss of your brother, you must become a support for your parents twice. God help you to get through these difficult moments! Bright memory to a bright person!
There are such sorrowful words: "A loved one does not die, but simply stops being near." In your memory, in your soul, your love will be eternal! We also remember with a kind word ___.

Condolences to a believer, a Christian

All of the above is appropriate in expressing support in difficult times of loss for both the believer and the secular person. A Christian, Orthodox, can add a ritual phrase to condolences, turn to prayer or quote from the Bible:

God is merciful!
God bless you ___!
For God, everyone is alive!
This man was blameless, just and fearing God, and he fled from evil!
Lord, rest with the Saints!
Death destroys the body but saves the soul.
God! Accept the spirit of your servant in peace!
Only in death the sorrowful hour does the soul gain freedom.
God guides a mortal through life before turning him into the light.
The righteous will certainly live, says the Lord!
Her heart /(his) trusted in the Lord!
Immortal soul, immortal deeds.
May the Lord do mercy and truth with him (her)!
Righteous deeds are not forgotten!
Holy Mother of God, protect him (her) with your cover!
The days of our lives are not numbered by us.
Everything returns to normal.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God!
Shining peace to your dust!
Kingdom of heaven and eternal rest!
And those who have done good will seek the resurrection of life.
Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
And on earth she, like an angel, smiled: what is there, in heaven?

P.S. Once again, about active personal participation. For many families, even a small financial contribution to the future will be a valuable help in this difficult moment.

You left only the body.
That earthly that has always had.
Someone will say: "No, you are dead!"
You earthly only finished your business.

You have completed the circle of life.
Someone will say: "It was not enough!"
There is never enough in the universe!
That you are, then suddenly you are gone.

But each has its own task.
Only in this way and well, nothing else!
The circle of this life has ended.
You did not leave quickly and not suddenly!

You lived my dear Light.
Like a comet bright in the sky.
Illuminating the path of life for the neighbors,
and now I decided to rest.

from the day when the light of Your eyes went out and the heart stopped beating became the most terrible day for us and we could not come to terms with it. A tear rolls from the heart, burns the pain, screams the soul. We so want to return You, but this cannot be done. You left us very early, but we could not save You. A deep wound in the heart. You left us and left us pain and sorrow. Eternal rest for your soul, our dear. Kingdom of Heaven, rest in peace for you, remember with us all who remember it.

Beg your pardon sister
It's hard for me in front of you.
But I ask: be so kind
Forgive me mourning from my heart.
I promise to be to you
Attentive and delicate
So that the hand is in hand again,
Thoughts sounded in one measure.

Sister! Sorry for the loaf you eaten!
In addition, only a part was bitten off ...
Whoever wears a loaf in his heart
You can't steal the rolls !!!
I repent ... I'm in tears of shame down the lane
delirious, lost, substituting its mouth for the rain ...

Today is forgiveness Sunday
A great reason to ask for forgiveness
For all wrongs inflicted not from malice,
Don't hold a grudge against me, sister.
Let all sorrows melt like spring water
May you be lucky in everything, always
Let joy walk side by side
Let all insults forget you. ©

Dear sister, forgive me for everything
And don't hold grudges anymore
Forgiveness Sunday has come to us
Has given a chance for atonement.
Let all misunderstandings be forgotten
May dreams come true
Happiness may always smile at you
May the good angel keep you. ©

My dear sister!
Forgive me from the heart and from the heart.
Let the grudge winged bird
Will fly away from you forever.

I ask you, you don't need to sulk
After all, what happened between us has passed
Let's remember the responsiveness of the views
Let us forget disagreements like a dream.

Forgive me if I offended
Regardless of your opinion,
I didn't try to understand you
And she always stood her ground.

I want to forget it all
They let go of a pure soul.
There are no secrets and secrets between relatives,
So come on and we will live like this!

As a brother, I beg your sister's forgiveness!
And I want to forgive her myself, of course!
With you, we are both wise now,
Let's forgive each other, we heartily!

Forgive me for everything that has happened and has passed!
For everything that we offended each other ...
Today is the time to forgive
And this is only the merit of the holiday!

Forgiveness Sunday all around
Motivated to ask forgiveness ...
Come on and we will forgive each other suddenly,
So that our souls are intoxicated!

Sister, please forgive me.
And right this Sunday
Let go of your grievances
And along with them - sadness, doubt!

And let them come to you again,
Sister, they will not return to life,
So that she shines with only fun,
You - to smile with happiness!

May the holy day give
Your transformation is a miracle
Forgive everyone, sister, insults
On a holiday of peace and forgiveness.

On me, my dear,
Do not hold back anger either
After all, I love you so much
I repent from the bottom of my heart.

Memorial poems and words to a woman, mother, sister, grandmother, sorrowful words in verses from relatives and friends The day when the light of Your eyes faded and your heart stopped beating became the most terrible day for us and we could not come to terms with it. A tear rolls from the heart, burns the pain, screams the soul. We so want to return You, but this cannot be done. You left us very early, but we could not save You. A deep wound in the heart. You left us and left us pain and sorrow. Eternal rest for your soul, our dear. Kingdom of Heaven, rest in peace for you, remember with us all who remember it. Without saying goodbye to anyone, without saying goodbye to everyone, You hid in the darkness, only leaving sorrow behind. The pain burns, the soul hurts, a tear rolls down from grief. You left us very early, we could not save You, a deep wound in the heart, while we are alive, you are still alive. Eternal rest for your soul and the Kingdom of Heaven. Swan-down to earth for you. Words cannot convey our pain and sorrow, a deep wound in the heart. Never forget that terrible day that brought us so much grief and sadness. Our tears tear our souls, and every day we remember You. May it be easy for you there, and the memory of you will remain here with us. In sorrow we bow our heads at Your grave. Sleep well, our dear mother. Swan rest for you is the earth, and for your soul - the Kingdom of Heaven. You went into a bright eternity. And our pain cannot be helped, and the name of pain is infinity ... You left us for another WORLD - where there is no return, leaving the memory of yourself, love, sorrow and pain of loss. The Lord called You to Himself, left us sorrow and tears. You will reign in Heaven, and we carry roses to the grave. May God protect your kind soul. The earth will rest in peace for you, and eternal rest and the Kingdom of Heaven for your soul. Words cannot convey our pain and sorrow, a deep wound in the heart. Never forget that terrible day that brought us so much grief and sadness. Our tears tear our souls, and every day we remember You. May it be easy for you there, and the memory of you will remain here with us. In sorrow we bow our heads at Your grave. Sleep well, our own mother-wife. Swan rest for you is the earth, and for your soul - the Kingdom of Heaven. The day when the light of Your eyes went out and the heart stopped beating became the most terrible day for us and we could not come to terms with it. A tear rolls from the heart, burns the pain, screams the soul. We so want to return You, but this cannot be done. You left us very early, but we could not save You. A deep wound in the heart. You left us and left us pain and sorrow. Eternal rest for your soul, our dear. Kingdom of Heaven, rest in peace for you, remember with us all who remember it. With sickness with pain, people wither And dry up like beloved flowers ... Like snow in the hot sun they melt, Today I, and tomorrow, maybe you ... How sad, sad we are to lose loved ones, Spiritual relatives, close, dear, Habitual, undervalued, vulnerable With whom we shared our lives ... In the spring, loved ones leave in bloom ... And in the warm summer - like a useful grain ... They find ripe fruits in the fall ... Winter brings them to the bottom of life ... We know the separation is not for long, But for some reason sorrow Ours cannot be appeased ... It will be a duty to pray for our loved ones, And only God's grace consoles ... What a pity that we did not appreciate the departed, What a pity that we did not lay flowers for them, We did not sing holy, heavenly songs to them, We did not embody their beautiful dreams in life ... Oh, how there are not enough of the departed now! Oh, how deep the pain of their loss is! Our heart languishes with sorrow, And tears are flowing like a river ... You can comfort your soul with tears, But you still cannot return those who have left! To grieve immeasurably means to amuse the devil, And not to grieve is to value the loss not a penny! And it remains, squeezing his pain with his teeth, At night squeezing a crying-sorrow cry, Seeming quiet and calm days, Wearing a wig on the bareness of sorrow ... And moving away from sorrow little by little, Resigning himself to the fate of the Creator ... ...