Why dream of kissing an ex. Kissing a man in a dream on the lips
I had a difficult marriage: a very capricious and sickly child, my husband earned unstable and little, treated me rudely and did not support me. I pulled everything on myself: a child, life, earnings (I had to go to work after six months of the decree), I was used to accepting everything important decisions herself. At some point, I realized that my husband was just a ballast for me and love had passed a long time ago. After my divorce, things got better for me. I bought an apartment on credit, I am slowly treating those sores that I have earned over 5 years of marriage, because before I was not up to myself. Yes, and the child became calm - we live peacefully and amicably with him. I have many friends, I am sociable and cheerful. It's been 2 years since I got divorced and I still don't have a personal life. I just avoid suitors. I do not want to get married. I used to make my own decisions about where and when to spend my holidays, what to buy and what not. I don't want any new relatives. I don’t want to hang around in the kitchen every day, I don’t want to give birth anymore ... Or rather, I’m afraid to give birth, because it means becoming helpless and again dependent on a man for a while. I'm afraid that I'll get divorced again and I'll have to raise two children alone. I feel like I'm happy and free now. But my mother worries about me, and I myself understand that one day my son will grow up, my parents will die, and I will be left without a family, alone. Every time I meet a man, I see in him some negative traits: they all seem to me insufficiently reliable, frivolous, not pretty. Is it possible that at the age of 31 I was already so disappointed in men that I could not love anyone?
Alina, Kazakhstan, 31 years old / 10.10.16
Opinions of our experts
Alyona
Alina, this is not a disappointment, but a normal mature look at relationships with men. A self-sufficient woman who can do everything herself and has already achieved everything herself is difficult to surprise with cheap deeds and words. And I personally see this as a big plus: you are automatically spared empty romances with men who cannot give you anything in a relationship, and may turn out to be the same ballast as your ex-husband. And, I repeat, this is not a “disappointment”, but an experience that tells you not to rush at men according to the principle “this one will do, if only it was.” You already know that “if only you were” is not what you need, because such an option does not bring anything positive into your life. But you are free, not connected with another loser who simply takes someone else's place next to you. So, "the one" has a chance to be there. The main thing is not to start to panic and not try now, for the sake of my mother, to “turn on” a man, like some kind of animal (so that there is someone to meet from work). Listen to your inner voice: if you feel happy and free, then everything is fine with you. And at 31, to worry that you will be left alone at 60, because you did not agree to “any” partner, is stupidity. You will have a new relationship, it just takes time.
Sergey
Alina, I personally do not see anything strange or wrong in what is happening to you. You just matured, became more demanding and responsible. And it's completely natural. You have five years of rather difficult relationships behind you, and a minor child in your care. It is clear that you have changed, changed priorities and simply began to perceive life differently than before marriage. And men began to look differently. No, they have not ceased to interest you, no, you have not been disappointed. Now, however, it takes more than pants and the ability to speak platitudes to impress you. Therefore, in my opinion, you should not be upset or panic, just like talking about the fact that there is no personal life. You yourself write that you are an open, cheerful person, that you have many friends. So, there is life. Another thing is that there is no permanent man in her yet. But, just trust me, it's acquiring. After some time, you will definitely meet someone who will interest you. Well, then, as God wills. In general, don't worry. Everything is fine, and it will be even better.
Frustration itself is a negative and unconstructive feeling. Most often it is caused by expectations that did not come true. It brings pain and often resentment, as a woman feels deceived or even insulted. Although the other side of the coin is such that the woman simply thought better than he is, and expected more from him than he can give. As a result, sadness, depression, and sometimes irritation and disgust for a loved one arise.
It is very important to start fighting this feeling, otherwise it can destroy a woman from the inside and develop complexes.
How to deal with disappointment in men and move on with your life
The first and main condition says that in no case should you withdraw into yourself. It is important to express your emotions about this so that they do not accumulate inside and thereby aggravate the situation. It is quite normal if a woman wants to cry. You need to talk about your feelings with people you trust, draw, dance, do anything, just don't lock yourself in and don't cherish your sadness.
Of course, at such moments one feels very sorry for oneself, but one must by all means drive away this feeling.
To avoid further depression associated with disappointment, you need to be busy all the time. Especially good medicine in this case is sports, walking and reading. Surrounding yourself interesting people, communication with which brings pleasure - a woman will cope with any negative feeling much faster.
It takes time not only for physical wounds to heal, but also for mental wounds. And disappointment is a wound, and often a very deep one. That's why it's important to be. Everything will be fine, but not always right away.
In addition, you should not be completely to your offender. It is important to understand that there are no people only bad or only good. After all, all people are different. And the man who caused the pain is simply different from the idea that the woman “painted” for herself. It has many good qualities, after all precisely for this she his and.
The main thing is not to label yourself as a loser after this trouble. Such situations provide excellent experience and knowledge in order not to make similar mistakes in the future. It is necessary to draw the right conclusions and wise experience boldly go through life further.
The feeling of resentment is familiar to every person. Resentment penetrating the heart poisons the mood and can even negatively affect the physical condition. How to deal with resentment, to prevent it from transforming into a protracted depression?
If you have been offended, first of all try to calm down so that in a state of passion you do not commit acts, the consequences of which will be difficult to correct.
Auto-training techniques, a walk in the fresh air or, if possible, any relaxing procedure will help to cope with the primary manifestations of resentment. If you let the resentment develop, then a whole bouquet can be added to this feeling. negative emotions: disappointment, bewilderment, annoyance, anger and even a desire for revenge.
It is important to realize that resentment is most often unfulfilled expectations. You didn’t get the expected actions from any person, or vice versa - you didn’t get what you wanted or deserved, in your opinion.
Figure out if your opponent could have known or even assumed about your expectations. Did you tell him about your aspirations or just wait for him to guess? Very often, women are offended by men, expecting from them what they do not even know about.
Turn on self-criticism and think: maybe your touchiness is a manifestation of hypertrophied pride, when everything around is not going your way, and you are trying to attract special attention with your demonstrative insults. Then you honestly need to admit that you are poisoning life not only for yourself, but also for those around you.
Try this psychological technique that effectively relieves feelings of resentment: imagine yourself as a lawyer for your abuser and try to protect your opponent. It is quite possible that you will begin to think adequately, then you will be able to justify your offender and understand why the misunderstanding happened. Understanding is a big step towards forgiveness.
Forgiving your offender, at least in your heart, is the best thing you can do for your peace of mind, even if you have not been apologized to. After forgiveness, you will get rid of exhausting internal monologues and dialogues with the offender and restore spiritual harmony. Christians themselves are the first to ask for forgiveness from their offenders, rightly believing that they themselves are to blame for this offense. Such wonderful human qualities as humility, wisdom, kindness, peacefulness and generosity are manifested in this act.
There are a lot of articles on the Internet about misconceptions about marriage. They tell amazing things there - even for those who, as they say, have been married for more than a year. Together with family psychologist Maria Matana, we dismantled the most common myths about married life.
Myth 1. Should grab each other
It seems, well, how else? If you love him, he loves you, then you need to create your own small world- and it will be possible to save the relationship forever! What is outside is not so important, the main thing is the family hearth and our love.
Alas, people (especially women) manage to live with this myth for years. But, as psychologists explain, the relationship "I am you, you are me" is true only for the first period of the relationship, the so-called merging phase. With which all literature and cinema are so stuffed that some really believe that this should always be the case in married life.
Truth: Rigid boundaries turn an alliance into a tough dependency relationship. Partners begin to "strangle" each other. Aggression, inevitable in any alliance, will be suppressed and eventually turn into something creepy. For example, the illness of one of the spouses, the appearance of alcohol (drug, food, gambling) addiction, or the fact that one of the couple will have a relationship on the side - a lover or mistress.
What to do: There should be flexible boundaries in the family. It is necessary to spend time, including relaxing, with other people, communicate with friends and girlfriends, relatives: mother-in-law, mother-in-law, etc. Moreover, you can and sometimes even need to flirt with others! But no kinks.
Look for the golden mean, - advises Maria Matana. - Leaving headlong into the family or, conversely, into society does not benefit relationships. Other people help us raise our self-esteem - and this is also the key to a strong union.
Myth 2. A partner will not deceive hopes
It seems that you can live happily ever after without being disappointed in each other. And our relationship will remain as good as it was at the very beginning. Otherwise, what is the point of marriage at all?
Truth: the highest degree maturity of partners and an absolutely necessary condition for a long union is the need ... to experience disappointment in a spouse, while remaining close. Many psychologists believe this. Like, disappointment is inevitable sooner or later. One of the spouses will do something that is difficult to forgive. The husband did not support during a difficult period or began to receive little money, the wife became obsessed with children and looks "not a fountain." Disappointment in a partner is the most common reason for divorce. And hence the number of people who are sure that all men are goats and women are bitches is multiplying.
What to do: Relationships need to be worked on. Gain strength, courage and survive disappointment. That is, to reconsider their requirements for marriage and vision of each other. This is the only way to build a strong and lasting union. And the partner will be very grateful that you accepted him with all the pluses and minuses.
I would be afraid to call this stage a disappointment, because this is a deep and often irrevocable feeling that gives up, - adds Maria Matana. - But if you naively drew yourself perfect image partner, disappointment is indeed inevitable. In any case, the relationship is the acceptance of another person - and the study of his shortcomings, and the discovery of new virtues.
Myth 3. Our family must be the best!
Sometimes it seems that the couples around are fighting for the title the best family of the year. "We'll go on vacation to a better place than the Petrovs. You and I have sex more often than the Ivanovs. And the children are prettier and smarter than the Sidorovs."
Truth: such competitions tone and inspire when you are in the lead. And if suddenly something went wrong - hello, problems. And when you find that your family is losing to someone, the devaluation of relationships begins. The principle works: if we are not the best, then everything is bad with us. Spouses gradually move away from each other.
What to do: Don't compare yourself to anyone. good marriage- this is when you and your soul mate are good together. What does the Petrovs or Sidorovs have to do with it?
Rankings and competition are good in sports, not in family life, - sums up Maria Matana. - Otherwise you will become a kind of picture for outside world, and a void is formed inside the relationship. And someday she will make herself known.
Myth 4. We will not repeat parental mistakes
“My mom and dad got divorced - but I won’t allow myself such a thing,” one of the spouses decides, for example.
True: if you fundamentally deny the parental model of the family, it will end up with the fact that you reproduce the same mistakes as your mom and dad - proved by life, statistics and psychotherapists. A very common model, for example: my father left us, I was raised by a single mother, I will never repeat the fate of my mother. And... in the end, history repeats itself.
What to do: as psychologists explain, the key approach is mindfulness, a careful analysis of weaknesses and strengths parental relationship. It is impossible to build a happy family by completely reproducing the parent model or completely ignoring it.
Denying one's roots is always deplorable for a tree, - Maria Matana finds a suitable image.
No wonder the proverbs "Husband and wife are one Satan!" or "Two pair of boots". Many seriously believe that the similarity of views on life, interests and principles is the key to a long and happy marriage.
True: sooner or later your partner will have new interests, he will become somewhat different from you. Some take this as a reason to panic: “I don’t understand him, he became like a step-mother, probably our marriage has outlived its usefulness.” Is the absence of a complete relationship of souls a reason for divorce?
What to do: understand that the separation of interests is a normal part of married life, which must be approached creatively, adapt to new conditions and move on.
In fact, often people of different energy and character enter into marriage, as if complementing each other, creating a single whole. But the fundamental views on life must, of course, coincide. If you are a fighter for justice, and your husband turned out to be a dishonest person, you will not be able to withstand the daily trampling of your life values \u200b\u200band the marriage is doomed, Maria Matana clarifies. - But the discrepancy in hobbies, hobbies, etc. is quite acceptable and even desirable for mutual development.
Important!
The most important thing is to talk as often as possible. Be sure to find out the wants and needs of each other. Together, look for ways to make your couple more comfortable and interesting. Remember that norms and stereotypes like "I shouldn't be his mother" or "the man should earn money in the house, and the woman should look after the children" exist to easily break them! Let the Petrovs and Sidorovs live according to the cliche, if it suits them. Listen to yourself and the other, be a "resource" for each other - and then you will want to be together for a long, long time.
By the way
Cockroaches from the head will not go anywhere
What other misconceptions are there?
A partner must satisfy all my needs.
Family, of course, is very important, but even if you successfully marry, you will not go to heaven. Cockroaches from the head and problems will not go anywhere. However, it will be much easier to deal with them together.
Emphasis on shortcomings.
People begin to accept the virtues of another as a norm, they stop appreciating him - but they focus on the shortcomings. It comes to a pathological desire to improve your soul mate. Praise each other, thank each other more often. There is such a technique - to start a "gratitude diary": write down three praises to your partner there every day. And after 21 days, you will look at it with completely different eyes.
The feeling that the other belongs to you is all predictable and known.
Tell me, do you know yourself 100 percent? Why so confidently decide for another? Treat your partner like a book half-read: everything interesting is yet to come. Start doing something new together (business, hobby, entertainment), and he will definitely surprise you.
Disappointment in Men hovering in that woman who went through male infidelity, inconstancy and deceit!
Hence, further intentness, distrust, exactingness and negative attitude to the opposite sex!
But how, then, to build relationships based initially on distrust, inner anger and resentment? What kind of love is there?
So it turns out that a Woman independently pushes Men away from herself with her behavior and inner feeling, or vice versa, attracts those who confirm her conviction that Men are such and such. And again in a vicious circle ...
What to do? How to get rid of disappointment in Men and learn to trust them?
Let's first go to the origins of the problem and its causes! No matter how hard it is to perceive, but the external behavior of a Man is always determined by internal state Women and her existing subconscious program.
This subconscious frustration can be passed on from generation to generation, from grandmother to mother, from mother to daughter, and so on. That is, in those families where there was a deception of the Men, mothers without ignorance and malicious intent repeat this to their daughters!
Naturally, this can be a personal experience or an unfortunate friend who suffers bitterly from the fact that she was abandoned. As a result, a healthy Woman becomes infected! Several such girlfriends and faith in Men is lost completely. And if one of you declares that there are no normal Men left at all, as well as they do not exist in nature, then why waste time looking for those very normal ones?
Naturally treat disappointment in men you can and should start with yourself:
Cleanse all your false beliefs about Men, look for the positive in them, carry out the procedure of forgiving everyone who offended you. Let's be honest with ourselves! This is a very important point!
Learn to sing the femininity in yourself. As a rule, if failures happen to Men, then this is the first sign of self-dislike, inner tightness and a feeling of inferiority. If a man offends you, he does not offend you specifically, but scolds your femininity in this way! Men, like bees, strive for those Women-flowers that have blossomed and are filled with the aroma of life!
Engage in internal development and self-organization. Sign up for a fitness club Eastern dance! Give yourself a massage course, take courses to improve your skills, get a job new job etc. By doing this, you will stop focusing on failures, believe and find yourself, which will lead you to new views and understanding of how to behave further.
A monstrous situation, and love still seems to be alive, and disappointment in a loved one is so strong that you no longer believe a single word of it. Rose-colored glasses fell with a crash, crushing your legs and devastating your soul. Depression. How to live on is not at all clear. Breake down? Staying together out of habit, not taking him seriously? Or put up with the fact that your favorite male is a player who lives the way he likes; who makes promises without keeping them; who lives on his own...
Disappointment in a loved one is one of the most powerful tests, it is very painful, it is much more painful than even loving a man who has chosen another woman. There at least you can understand him, explain his actions, accept them, based on his choice. But the realization of the full understanding that you loved the most ordinary, banal, ordinary, cowardly egoist, tears to shreds. On the other hand, no one on earth is obliged to fulfill all our wishes and meet all our requirements (sometimes overstated). And what then can be considered real criteria for disappointment, and not the usual female hysteria?
1. Empty words.
When a man says something, we women believe. At least at first, we believe that a man is responsible for his words. And if he says that you, the meaning of his life, his air, that if you are taken away, then his life will be empty - you believe in it. And when, after some time, the same man cowardly runs away, tail between his legs, fearing trouble for his beloved, there is a “light” misunderstanding of the situation. If you love me so much, how do you live then without air? How do you live without meaning? How do you live in general? And if you do not love, why was it necessary to pronounce such words aloud?
2. Betrayal.
Personally, life taught me to understand that if this man betrayed any woman before you, he will betray you, at the very moment when you need him most. A man, once stepping over himself, will subsequently do it easily and simply. Betrayal is not only betrayal, it is cowardice, it is selfishness, it is when you are left alone, with broken hearted, and he lives in the way that is convenient, profitable, comfortable for him. Betrayal is when a beloved man runs away in horror when he hears “I am pregnant”, betrayal is when he does not need this child, betrayal is when he says “I love” to another woman, barely having time to go to the shower after having spent with you a night of love. Betrayal is treason, in response to trust.
3. Cowardice.
One of the strongest disappointments in a beloved man is to understand that he is a coward. Perhaps he was afraid of physical pain and left you at the moment when you were attacked by hooligans. Or merged, fearing troubles abruptly, if you suddenly have problems with the law (tax, etc.). Or afraid of your illness. Or he was afraid that he would have to be responsible for his actions and words - this very often suffers married men who like to have some fun on the side. But as soon as they realize that the wife found out about her mistress, they cowardly run home at that hour, eat borscht, improve relations with their spouse and swear that there was only an affair with their mistress.
4. Lies.
We are all a little cunning. One way or another, but we have to tell a lie, to someone less often, to someone more often. Someone tries to be silent at all, just not to lie. But if a man lives in a lie for years, having masterfully mastered this art, this is impossible to understand. And when the understanding comes that lies and his soul are synonyms, it becomes scary.
Disappointment is unfulfilled expectations, hopes, dreams. It " Scarlet Sails”, which, upon close examination, turned out to be a dirty port pelvis, these are destroyed castles, this is love that was betrayed. Returning to the beginning of the article, it seems to me that I have found the answer to an exciting question. For starters, you should not be fascinated by the first man you meet and allow him into your life, so as not to suffer from disappointment later. But if this has already happened, then what to do, each woman decides for herself individually. However, it seems to me that it is impossible to love a man whom you no longer respect, and love, even if it is still alive, will die very soon. And when there is neither love nor respect, then such a union is doomed.
